Love letter

I am blocking out the feelings for 2 weeks from now. I can concentrate on getting all priorities done. I will be as happy as I can be and lead a life as eventful as it can be. And Let's do this. 

No considerations, no wallowing, no feeling frustrated, no feeling confused, no trying to figure out, nothing works. Nothing is necessary for now. I can wait to be angry in 2 weeks if I still will be. I can wait to find out why you act like devil may care. I can wait to beat up myself, attempting to pinpoint where I could have done better to avoid being hurt. Catch me if you can. I am not gonna fight for it, I am not gonna struggle either.  I can wait to care. 

Not even a thought floating to it.  I back off completely. 

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Windows live writer is pretty handy.

I got a new hobby: playing construction toys. On one project management workshop, our major team task was to build a wind turbine with Knex. I had a steep learning curve but how bad I am at it doesn’t stop me from loving it. I once single-handed built my own chemical reactor, and I thought I would be pretty dexterous at  connecting the connectors. haha, wrong guess. But it is a quite engaging activity. I think that’s probably one big achievement of the whole workshop, not much the math we learned on deciding what is the critical path(or bottle neck) of the project, and not how to be a good leader, but a game I like.

Joe was absolutely a star at the workshop. He is typical alpha-male, dominant, concise, intelligent and efficient. Only he treats us like objects. I find it fascinating how he thinks. He probably sees the members on one team as all talent-sets and talent-sets only. He is very impartial toward ideas, skills and solutions. But emotions, social backgrounds, personality or feelings (oh, who is talking about feelings? yikes, of course I meant it in general) don’t leave an impression on him. So persons come across to him only as useful skill-carriers. He delegates tasks solely based on his perception on your technical ability, he has no interest in personal growth, in team politics, in making anybody happy, or in maintaining some kind of vibe. It is ROBOTIC. But it works. It works on such a small-scale project, like building a model turbine. And a flat organization can either be a disaster because of no levels, layers and departmentalization, or a huge success, if and only if the leader does not die. And this leader has to be able to do all levels of work to do effective leading. Try to imagine he moves the whole style to a project like building the provincial highway, he will need to be the foreman, the inspector, the supervisor, the overseer, the ordinary builder, the material supplier… you name it.  I hate such a guy I love such a guy.

I am not sure what I am truely interested in cracking math formulas or coding computer softwares or peeking into people’s psychology. Should I figure them out if I can? No, I shouldn’t. That’s called respect. A fully confident person won’t need all information, they don’t even need informed decisions. We only need to trust, to love, to be not afraid of getting hurt, to be brave enough to be vulnerable, to be powerful to bless, to be strong to love. We don’t need to know all about people to trust. We don’t  need to see the depth of any person. That’s not for us human. We can’t even handle it. Only God can and He will enlighten the depth of man’s being.  Human only get sticky and messy at the issues of the “inner child”. oh mine, a chill down my spine when that word is mentioned.  I guess, we all love children but when the child in you is acting out or being called out, that’s not some feeling you want to have.